Learning to trust God has been a journey for me. I have prided myself on being self-sufficient. When people talked about having a relationship with God, I was often puzzled. I didn’t really understand how to hear from God. I am still in that journey. But one day several years ago, I was shocked by his presence.
I was on the bus coming home from working in Seattle and I had an overwhelming sense that I was to share with a young couple who was having a rather intimate conversation. I was reading the book, “Intimacy Ignited” that goes through the Songs of Solomon. Part of the book I had read really applied to what was happening with this couple.
For the 45 minute ride home, I debated what to do. I knew I was too chicken to talk to them; so, I wrote down part of the book and I thought, I’ll give it to them as I leave. At first, I thought it was for both of them. Then I felt it was for him. Part of Matthew 7:6 came to mind …Don’t cast pearls before swine… I thought, “Which one of them is a Christian?”. I felt strongly that it was her. I was anxious, but realized that it would just have to play itself out.
At the first stop, the young man exited the bus. I was like, okay, I guess this is for her. I was the second stop, I stood to get ready to hand it off and jump off the bus. Which is just what I did.
As I was walking in the parking lot, I felt relieved and proud of myself for doing it, but was sorry that I didn’t have the guts to actually talk to her. I prayed, “Lord, if I was supposed to talk to her and I disobeyed, please forgive me… If I see her again, I’ll talk to her.” As I was walking to my car, I saw her. She was standing with the note crying in the parking lot. I went over to her and I talked to her for twenty minutes.
I can’t describe what I felt in that process. I had felt I was used by God before, but it was with my own self-righteous agenda or as directed by someone else. Never in such perfect timing and by his leading alone. It was exhilarating! I left the parking lot in tears, he had used me not only to encourage her, but he was leading me into a journey of healing in my own heart.
As I left the parking lot I prayed, “Lord, this was amazing. I would wish to stay in your timing, stay in your leading, and be used by you. Please show me how.” As time has gone on, I’ve learned to look for his leading and he has kept me. It has allowed me to trust him more and more and look to him daily to lead me in every step of my day. Of course some days, I’m more focused on him then others, but I feel like a different person since that day.
For years I have been stuck on Philippians 4:6,
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God”.
I now feel like I get to move to the next level. Philippian’s 4:7
“…and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus”.
Trusting and walking in his leading has given me a peace that surpassing all my understanding! When I start to lose that peace, I realize I’m losing my focus on him. I often ask, “Lord, what would you have me do today?” Those are the best days!
Psalm 37:4 says “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart”. I used to read this verse to mean that God was supposed to give me what I want. I knew that wasn’t true, but I thought that is what it said. I now realize, I can ask him for the desires he has for me. He can change my selfish desires and refocus me to pouring out my life for his glory! And I want to do it!